Keepin’ Love Alive: Peaks and Valleys | Columnists | starherald.com

I am not a big reader. That may sound ironic since I write a newspaper column, but sometimes I struggle to read my own 600-800 words each week. Nonetheless, during this time of COVID, like many of you, I have turned to books to fill some time.

Although I may not love to read, I do have a few favorite books and it has been nice to pick them up again and review their contents. A good reminder of the steps to happiness that we can all pursue.

One of the most impressive (and thankfully short) books I’ve ever read is by Spencer Johnson, titled “Peaks and Valleys.” In this short 100-page story he tells of the ups and the downs of life.

None of us are exempt from this fluctuation as we travel the road of our mortal existence. Even if we try our hardest, we all hit hard times. Perhaps it’s the passing of a parent or a financially difficult time. Raising teenagers or moving far away from those we love. Come what may, sooner or later life offers a few bumps and potholes for us all.

This is clearly applicable to relationships, too. Each and every couple will have ups and downs. Research continues to show that even the happiest couples still have their valleys. But happy couples respond to valleys differently than unhappy couples, and that’s what makes the difference. .

First, they learn to see a valley as a learning experience; an opportunity to discover what’s not working. Then, by taking action on what they’ve learned, they turn their valley into a peak.

Let’s say, for example, that Bob and Mary are not happy in their relationship; they’ve realized they’re in a valley. Instead of being bitter and angry toward each other, and doing nothing about the situation, they see this as a chance to find out what’s not working.

After some careful examination, they discover that their lack of time together is causing the valley. Again, instead of blaming or becoming discouraged, they quickly put a plan together, spend more time together, and soon find themselves back on a peak.

Second, happy couples believe in the peaks and valleys approach to marriage. They realize that all days will not be happy days. While they may not look forward to the valleys, they realize that both in marriage and in life, there are ups and downs.

This translates to happy couples enduring, rather than giving up, during the difficult times. Research shows that with this approach, the combination of marital commitment and time often led to things getting better.

Couples simply outlasted the problem they were struggling with. By continuing to move forward, rather than giving up, they traveled through the valley and toward the next peak. It was Winston Churchill who said, “If you’re going through hell, keep going.”

In an interesting study of over 600 ready-to-divorce couples, research found that two-thirds of them were happy in their marriages five years later. By enduring through, rather than giving up during their difficult times, the majority of them found happiness again.

While this doesn’t mean that every marriage should persist, as there are always exceptions to the rule (like when there’s physical violence, for example), but for the majority of couples, a peaks and valleys approach will certainly help them keep love alive.

By knowing there will be ups and downs couples can be realistic when their union doesn’t feel as happy as it did on the honeymoon. Instead of giving up during these times, couples can use this valley to discover what’s going wrong, correct it, and find happiness again as they work together to keep love alive.

Tune in each week to learn more skills happy couples use to keep their relationships on the peaks more often, and for even more tips on keepin’ love alive, visit www.panhandlecouples.com.

Remember, couple relationships are easier than you think, but harder than you act.

Mark Anderson is a mental health therapist specializing in couples therapy at Oregon Trail Mental Health in Scottsbluff. To contact him call 635-2800 or visit online at www.panhandlecouples.com.