Travel: A cruise may sound good on paper
Whoever said it’s not the destination but the journey obviously had never been trapped on a Norwegian Cruise Line ship.
Their motto is “Cruise Like a Norwegian,” but my recent experience on one of their boats makes me think the nation of Norway should sue the company for defamation. Based on this, if this cruise line is what Norway is like, I don’t want to go to Norway, either. Maybe the marketers meant that this was more like a Viking funeral?
Ironically, this was supposed to be a “free” cruise. I will admit, I was tricked. I sometimes play a few games in casinos, where comps are common. One such casino sold my name to NCL, who thus gave me the free offer. I thought it would be like a hotel comp – truly free, no strings attached. But NCL had other intentions.
This trip was hardly “free.” What was free was a barebones, mausoleum sized, windowless room in the innards of the boat for two. I added my daughter as a passenger (there’s a foldout bunk). She had to pay full rate, whereas if I’d booked all three via a site like Expedia we would have gotten a group discount. Then there were a bevy of mandatory fees, taxes, port charges, exorbitant gratuities, etc. Before leaving the Port of Boston, I was down about $1500. This doesn’t include the $140 parking fee I’d come back to.
The minimum doesn’t get cruisers much. “Complimentary” are a handful of cafeteria-style options where one has to wrestle to get a seat, and the food gets old quick. There are nightly shows, which were unexpectedly good, with trapeze style acts, Second City comedians and some very capable singer/dancers. I’d put the entertainment on par with any mid-level Vegas hotel without the cost.
The destination was Bermuda, which was very scenic. Luckily, we got good weather, as the island can sometimes be rainy. Of the seven days, approximately two half days and one full day were on the island.
Then, back to the boat. What got me peeved throughout was that I had felt tricked. I’d written NCL media relations, stating my presence on the ship. Not that Campus News is The New York Times, but it’s something, and maybe they’d want to put their best foot forward with this writer, but they could not have cared less.
And that was the general attitude on the ship by its personnel. Whereas land-based casino hotels will bend over backwards for guests, on the NCL ship we were viewed as walking ATMs by staff. The NCL TV had a few legitimate channels, but the rest were infomercials for the cruise line. Some were deceptive; for example, an infomercial on how to shop in Bermuda. It tried to come off as informative, but instead was trying to steer passengers to NCL endorsed shops and products.
Seminars on the ship tried to sell weight loss products; “art” via auction (they were really framed posters, taking advantage of the lack of savvy of the passengers on the ship); acupuncture. One British fellow struck up a conversation with me. I thought he was being nice, but then he tried to steer me to get my feet measured for insoles. It was all so tacky. I found myself rebelling and not spending much of anything.
Most annoying was the lack of any management on the boat. Not that I want to become a crotchety Mr. Wilson, but the MO typically are parents on the ship getting drunk and hordes of kids just running – literally running – loose to all hours of the night, pressing all the buttons the elevators. They were bored silly, and there were lots and lots of them.
There were a lot of cover bands playing songs by the Eagles, John Denver and Tony Orlando and Dawn all over the boat. These were mainly for the drinkers. We did not buy the unlimited booze plan, figuring if we’d wanted a drink we’d just buy them individually, but the mojo of the boat was really geared toward the unlimited drinkers. Who wants to be around a bunch of sloshers, if one isn’t sloshed?
OK, we’d figure we’d head to the pool, instead. But that was tiny, not much bigger than the typical Grecian-style pool in a middle-class backyard — but for over 2000 people! This was another big deception, as on the NCL web site the pools look Olympian.
The little pool was swamped, too, again, mostly by kids and unlimited sloshers. I have to assume the pool has large parts urine, bourbon and Drakkar Noir in it. At one point, some broken glass got into the pool and it was closed for a couple of days.
Almost immediately, I had felt trapped on the boat, in a tiny, windowless room, and few places to just relax. Dollar-per-dollar, this was the worst trip I’d ever taken.
But obviously many people were enjoying themselves on the boat. I’d suggest this kind of trip is worthwhile if you don’t mind tight quarters and you buy the booze plan (should you be one who partakes; personally, it seemed wasteful to me, as NCL requires you buy the plan for every adult in your party – you can’t just buy one plan).
I also think this could work for a newer couple, without kids, where the tight quarters may actually be welcomed and promote coziness.
Are all cruise lines like this? I don’t know. This was my first such cruise. I only bit because it was “free.” What an idiot I felt like after I realized there was no such thing, but it was too late to turn back, as I’d already told the family, who was excited. They too now say they’d never cruise again. At least the idea is out of their system.
I think I would have liked it more if it did not feel like a money grab, and if the crew actually cared about more than my credit card. It seems if a complaint did not have a money value tied to it, they did not care. Anything goes.
At least if one goes on a traditional vacation, and stays in a hotel, if that hotel doesn’t pan out, there’s probably another hotel next door. But once stuck on a ship, they’ve got you – and they know it.
Again, I don’t want to be a crotchety Mr. Wilson, but this experience unfortunately brought out that side of me. If I were to go to Bermuda again, I’d simply fly to the island nation. There are multiple hotels right near some of the best (and free) beaches in the world. Surely, that would be more affordable, and relaxing.
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